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Buis’ Bits: Thanks for the material

August 1, 2005

Last year I thought long and hard about what I was most thankful for in my life and what Thanksgiving was to me. If you’re looking for that kind of column, I’ll put the link at the bottom of the story.

This year, I realized I’m also thankful for something else. Good ol’ politics.

I agree that a lot of politics is childish and full of rhetoric and people trying to act civil when they really are supposed to hate each other, yet they still have that tinge in their heart for someone else.

Some people have “Days of our Lives.” I have “As the White House Turns:”

Narrator: Previously on “AtWHT.”

The White House is in shambles. G.W. is still trying to piece together what happened in the nearly three years his brain was lost in the vast lands of Crawford. All he knows is there is a war against the bad man who tried to assassinate his father, even with the bad man under lock and key and ready to stand trial.

G.W.: Dick, what’s goin on?

Dick: Everything is fine. We will win the war and we will change minds around the world. It’ll all be OK. Now finish your juice and you can run around the Oval Office as many times as you want.

G.W.: Oh OK… (G.W. finishes downs his tippy cup and runs off)

Dick: Finally. I thought he’d never leave. Rummy, get in here.

Rummy: How can you keep up that load of crap you give to him?

Dick: (holds of bottle of Jack Daniels) What’d you think was in that cup anyway? The guy got busted for drunk driving in the ’70s in Texas. That’s dedication to the liquor industry.

Rummy: I see. Man we’re in it deep right now. The press is waking up all those people that voted in the election. They’re asking about what happened leading up to us getting into Iraq. We’re losing that blurry line with terrorism.

Dick: What do you mean blurry line? The link between Saddam and 9/11 is obvious. Plus, we’ve got all those religious nut jobs thinking we’re going to fight gay people and stop abortion. They’ll follow us no matter what. We even tried to put a horribly underqualified woman up for a seat on the Supreme Court.

Rummy: They’re getting really demanding though. We haven’t fixed either of those things yet. Plus we have the head nut job praying for the almighty to assassinate the head of Venezuela.

Dick: He hasn’t talked to me-

Rummy: Huh?

Dick: Nothing. I’m assuming you meant that God fellow Karl said we should push. It got us votes and the whole morality thing, but he could be a big problem in the long run. This guy thinks he can make hurricanes move at the bowing of his head.

Narrator: Suddenly the door flies open. Lewis “Scooter” Libby stumbles in to the office with just enough breath to say:

Scooter: I’ve been-indicted.

Narrator: And he fell over dead.

Rummy: Oh my God, not Scooter. He was such an important aid to you.

Dick: He was a fine scapegoat. Eh, plenty of fish in the sea.

Rummy: What are you saying?

Dick: Oh my heart!

Narrator: Dick clutches his chest and falls to the floor.

Rummy: Oh no. Dick are you OK? I didn’t mean it

Narrator: Rummy drops to the floor to help Dick. As Rummy gets closer, suddenly Dick‘s eyes spring open and his mouth opens, jaw unhinged, swallowing him whole. Within moments, Rummy‘s pleas for mercy are no longer audible.G.W., hearing Rummy‘s squealing down Dick‘s esophagus, enters the room.

G.W.: What was all that noise?

Dick: Nothing, go run around in circles some more.

G.W.: OK