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Buis’ Bits: DeLay-ed Response

August 1, 2005

Editor’s Note: Kyle Buis is taking the week off to celebrate the 74th anniversary of Al Capone’s conviction for income tax evasion. Filling in for him will be former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, R-Texas….kind of.

After reading about what a blatantly leftist opinion page you poor college students have to suffer through, I knew I had to come here to save you all.

We’re in the same boat. I have liberal activists attacking me for trying to make the world a better place with a few small changes to Texas law and setting up a fund to get the right people in Congress.

It’s not my fault they can’t see the brilliance of my ideas.

Way back in the 1990s, when all of you were busy learning your three Rs, an evil plot was hatched by evil people. These dastardly people, or “Democrats,” as they like to call themselves, were out to take over the great state of Texas.

They unleashed the power of the gerrymander after the 1990 census. This beast twisted and contorted political districts to let them get more votes than they deserved.

This reign of terror lasted 10 long years.

After the 2000 census, it was time to put these liberal fiends in their place. The first brave assault by our moral Republican forces was turned back by the House.

In times of war, you celebrate the small victories, like the bravery of Private Jessica Lynch. She was captured by enemy forces in Iraq only after emptying every last round of ammunition she had.

Or was it after her rifle jammed?

Anyway, the important part was she was rescued from her savage enemy, who left her unguarded and well-cared for in a hospital.

Truly despicable.

The same brave effort had to be made for the sake of Texas. We came back in 2001 with a Republican-dominated redistricting board and got the lines prepared for our chance to return God and morality to Texans who desperately needed them.

This wasn’t enough, though. We needed a fail-safe method to send back those Godless liberal hordes. I made sure to do my duty as an American and make sure those people who died on Sept. 11, 2001 didn’t die in vain.

My political action committee was key in my efforts to make America a better place. Through its extensive fundraising efforts, Texans for a Republican Majority did just that.

How on earth could people accuse the PAC I founded of trying to launder money around to fund other Republican candidates’ election campaigns?

One of those vile liberals has dared to do such a thing. Travis County District Attorney Ronnie Earle had the gall to pursue these charges–and then some.

This is clearly a political witch hunt. He’s a Democrat and I’m a Republican, so clearly there has to be some partisan hackery here. He’s trying to go after me, no matter how silly the charges.

Earle wants to accuse me of a conspiracy to violate election laws. That is preposterous.

For starters, there was no law in place specifically about conspiring to violate election laws.

Just because I provided a means for people to possibly violate election laws in a way to keep my hands clean, and set an environment and a tone that would promote that sort of action, it doesn’t mean that I should ever be prosecuted.

It’s like that poor singer that prosecutor keeps going after in California. Eventually that fiend has to let Michael Jackson go and end the witch hunt. I hope the same thing happens to me.

I can’t be the subject of a witch hunt. Good Christian values make me the hunter automatically, not the prey.

I’ve even tried to subpoena that evil man. I’m trying to find some sort of exception in his chess game to finally make the rules myself.

Why? Because I’m a Congressman–I don’t follow the rules, I make them.

If we God-fearing Christian soldiers don’t stand up to the vile Earle’s of the world, or the liberal activist judges trying to violate the sanctity of marriage or those people who speak against the “global warming” which creates hurricanes that have the holy power to wipe out sinful cities, then how can we save the world?

These disgusting liberals are trying to attack us on all fronts. Look at what they’re trying to do to a good man like Sen. Bill Frist (R-TN). All he did was sell stocks out of a blind trust that happened to be part of his family’s hospital chain.

Who cares that the stock’s value plummeted shortly after the sale? After all, his brother was in charge of the trust. It’s not like his family has any interest in him making money off of stock in their hospital chain.

They even have the gall to go after the president. The man has enough difficulty running this country in a time of war, dealing with the aftermath of two hurricanes and speaking one clear, unscripted sentence.

The man guided us through Sept. 11. That’s 9/11 people. Terrorists. Bin Lad–never mind that last thing.

So please do all of us a favor and put down this liberal scourge. Don’t just do it for me. Do it to get Bill out of insider trading allegations. Do it to help President Bush get them terrorists.

Most of all, do it for people like me and Michael who are constantly being assaulted by activist attorneys.