Archive Opinion The Orion

Buis’ Bits: Assume nothing

August 1, 2005

September is still mostly summer. There is no reason on this earth that the flu should be dancing around like this.

However, Murphy’s Law says one thing: If something can go wrong, it will. In addition, it happens at the worst possible time. Another important lesson is to never assume because you make an “ass out of u and me.”

I never get sick. This sort of thing never happens, but as I write this, my head is roughly the size of a normal head. However, it’s much fuller than my empty skull is ready for.

The five or six brain cells that normally put this column together are stuck in traffic at the moment. Here’s an idea from one of them:

If you touch the period after this sentence, you’ll catch my flu.

For those of you who tried to touch that period, realize that I’m only working with that one brain cell. Maybe with a little dumb luck, someone who was already sick sneezed on that screen. Otherwise, don’t get your hopes up.

I’m getting another message from another of the brain cells at the moment. This could help you diagnose yourself if you’re feeling under the weather:

I was in Costco last Wednesday night and I noticed one of those industrial-size bags of pretzels that could feed the entire population of Thermopolis, Idaho for at least a decade.

The size didn’t catch my attention as much as the big, shiny part of the package that said “New Zipper Seal Bag!”; I’m thankful for this, because I know just how faulty a “Used Zipper Seal Bag” can be. It doesn’t even come with an exclamation point.

If you catch yourself drifting down that line of thought, then you’ve clearly been within 1,000 yards of me and caught this flu. However, this column should not be taken as an actual diagnosis, nor a cure. If you could actually swallow this column though, I’d be impressed. No fair cheating and printing it out either.

Well, before I get to the next brain cell, I’ll get a little more Vitamin C in me to help fight this off. Also, this fever is a pain, so I’m going to need some more aspirin in me. The only pain is the fact that it really hurts to swallow.

Instead of something witty, this next cell is telling me to hit the health center. Since I’m financing it in my fees, it might be a good idea to pay a visit there. Maybe someone can recommend something to get me on my feet faster.

time elapses…

Now that I’ve returned from the health center, it’s time to learn the most important lesson in medicine: if your throat hurts, look at it in a mirror.

Every time I was sick, my dad would always insist on looking down my throat with a flashlight. It seemed silly to me because it was either going to be pink or red. Sure, red would mean it wasn’t in good shape, but the piercing pain in the back of the throat should be a giveaway.

The doctor at the health center proved me wrong. All I had to do this whole time was look at the back of my throat. If I did, I would have seen the white spot above my uvula– a canker sore.

How did this happen?

First you need a little drainage from the good ol’ sinuses. I never knew that mucus was acidic, but apparently that was one of the reasons the sore appeared and didn’t get better. Aspirin and Vitamin C are also also acidic, so when I thought I was fighting off the flu, I was only making things worse.

Over the course of the last week, I managed to make an ass out of myself by assuming I knew what was wrong. Hopefully from my folly, the same won’t happen to you.